There is a conspiracy out there to ruin your next Vegas junket. Although the people involved are not part of any official organization, I refer to them as "The Evil Ones". They will start making your life miserable long before you reach Vegas and will continue even on your way home.

The SAVIP (Self-Appointed VIP). He considers himself much too important to have to stand on line like other people. You will spot him -- after you have been waiting 30 minutes to check in -- strolling straight up to the counter.

Your Revenge: Wait until 5 minutes before boarding, and then whisper to an airline representative, "There is something very strange about that guy. He speaks English without any foreign accent, but I heard him outside of the terminal talking to a couple of young men in Arabic." He will, of course, miss his flight. He may also miss the next few days.

The Seat Imperialist. He will sit next to you in the plane, and immediately start moving into YOUR territory. Not only will his arm take more than half the armrest, most of it will be on your side. He will put his hand baggage between his legs, meaning that they will spread out to where your legs should be.

Your Cure: Make sure that your arm is pressed firm against his and that your legs are touching. Then, referring to him as "Sweetie", tell him how cute you think he is and ask about the hotel he will be staying at. Of course, this only works if you are a man. Moreover, if he answers you enthusiastically, you are in serious trouble.

The Indy 500 Valet: Instead of being paid for handling casino valet parking, he should pay others. He LOVES taking your car and speeding through the curves and turns of the parking garage, often sideswiping other vehicles.

Your Prevention: Assume that any valet who takes your car is the Indy 500 guy and when you give him the keys, say, "Strange thing about that car -- anytime you get out of first gear the brakes freeze up."

The "You Peasant" Waiter -- He will be found in the casino's better restaurants and will go out of his way to make certain that you are aware that you know absolutely nothing about fine wines or haute cuisine. He will especially enjoy doing this if you are with a woman that you want to impress.

Your Revenge: Speak to the restaurant manager, introduce yourself as the food critic of the New York Times, and tell him that while would love to be able to give them a good review, you were very disappointed to find that the waiter is not knowledgeable about food nor drinks.

The Vulturess: She hovers around slot machines, waiting for people to be wiped out. She is then prepared to invest ten coins of her own in the hope that the jackpot is "due". She especially enjoys winning while you are still close enough to suffer.

Your Counterploy: Start chatting with her and find out when her birthday is. Then, act surprised and let her know that the Vegas Monaco Casino is giving 500 free plays on their SuperJackpot Slot to people born on that day! Watch as she runs to the Vegas Monaco -- or at least spends the night trying to find this non-existent place.

The Big Shot : He will be sitting at a low stakes poker game, gambling very conservatively. He will, however, bore the hell out of you telling you stories about how he USUALLY playing with the Big Boys. Just the night before, he will assure you, he won over $100,000.

Your Reply: Ask him, almost as in passing, where he is from. When he tells you, announce, "Now that IS a coincidence! I'm being transferred there next week -- I work for the IRS. We'll probably meet when you come in for an audit."

The Fear Monger: She will sit next to you on the plane on your way home. You will want to sit quietly and contemplate your losses. This will be her first flight and she will insist on screaming out "We're going to die!" as soon as the plane starts taxiing.

Your Cure: Tell her that you are a commercial pilot and you can assure her that there is no danger at all. She can feel safe all the time that the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign is on. If the captain determines that the plane is going to crash, he will turn it off, realizing that it won't help anyhow. She may not shut up immediately, but soon after take off, when the sign is turned off, she will go into shock and not be able to mutter a word.